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BtVS Fic: Rain (PG)
Because it's nice to be silly sometimes.

Disclaimers: not mine.
Takes place: AU at End of Days-Chosen.
Genre: comedy, gen, cracky.
Description: Buffy forms a plan of attack on the First.
Warnings: some misogynistic language from Caleb, implied gruesome imagery, evil character death, possibly bad theology
Words: ~1,260.

If the rain comes, they run and hide their heads
They might as well be dead
If the rain comes
-- The Beatles, Rain

"Buffy, there's something you should know," Spike said, as he held onto the chains in his basement. "When I saw the First, it took the shape of you."

"Me?" Buffy asked. "I thought it could only appear as dead people."

"Apparently, you have been dead enough times for it to get a good look at you. Anyway, I thought you should tell the troops."

"Thanks," said Buffy. "I'll make sure to use that."

"OK, we need to find out something about this priest guy. Willow -- have you found internet access, files, anything?"

"Uh, he's, um, his full name is Father Caleb N. O'Treynolds -- it's a weird last name, but it's what it says."

"Wait, so he's still officially ordained?" Buffy asked. "You mean, he hasn't, like -- he's still a priest?"

Willow nodded. "No excommunication, nothing."

"I could have told you that," said Faith. "Besides super-strength, he doesn't seem different from a bunch I met growing up."

(Faith's views do not reflect those of the author.)

"OK, I'm basked. What are you doing here?" Buffy asked Angel.

"Not saving the damsel in distress, that's for sure."

"Oh, you know me.  Not much with the damselling." Buffy paused, looked at Caleb below her feet. "Do you think he's actually dead or just unconscious? I mean, can you smell that type of thing?"

"Uh, well, I'm a little embarrassed about that but --" Angel smelled. "Yeah, I think he's just unconscious."

"Hm." Buffy paused. "You know, Angel, I'm gonna level with you -- it's going to be super awkward having you around. Also, I kind of need to get this guy tied up at my house before he wakes up."

"Oh," Angel said, kind of surprised and disappointed. "Well, uh...I was supposed to give you this," he said, passing an amulet. "It's kind of dangerous, supposed to be worn by a champion --"

"Uh-huh," Buffy said, taking the item. "I'll call you and get more info on it later. OK, gotta run," she said, picking Caleb's limp body up and draping him over her shoulder.  "Oh, one more thing, Angel? For the next few days, promise me you'll stay inside?"

"Um, okay?" Angel said in response. He never could understand her. "But yeah, I promise."

Caleb opened his eyes to see her standing before him.

"You -- bitch! -- you know I can get out of these chains, little girl!" he shouted out.

"Be quiet. I'm not that corporeal slayer brat, you idiot," she said. Funny, her voice didn't sound as Evil as usual.

But he wasn't one to criticize. He lied slack. "Sorry darlin', you know it's hard to tell it's you sometimes.  I mean, I punched you through the face at least five times last week."  He paused, considered whether he should apologize more.  "Again, I truly repent about that time last week I tried to cut your head off when you came as Catherine of Aragon.  I mean, I really should have guessed that was you, but you don't know how many years I've thought about how unjust it is that that whore escaped what was coming to her -- even in my Lordlier days the idea that some ruler thought that divorcing some bitch was less a sin than killing her --"

"Say one more word and I'll put a fist through your head. His, specifically," she said, gesturing to that blonde vampire standing behind her.  "He's working for me, aren't you Spike?"  Spike snarled in response.  "I triggered him, you see, that old song of ours.  And he got my toy back," she said, pointing at the Scythe in his hands.

"Ah," Caleb said.  He was a little jealous -- the First never sang to him.

"Now, Caleb, if I released you and asked you to stop killing, absolutely stop it, because it interfered with my plans, would you do so?"

Caleb was ready for this -- a test!  She was always playing with his head to test him.  "Oh you know that I will not stop killing innocent people until my heart stops beating, whether it's with you or without you.  Of course I'd rather it be with you."

"Right," she responded.  Spike handed her the Scythe and she swung at him, suddenly slicing him in half.  Buffy held the Scythe and looked at Spike.  "Well, I did give him a chance."

Spike stayed home to protect Casa Summers from the inside; he was going to wear that amulet, but it seemed kinda dangerous. Willow used the power of the Scythe to change their destiny and make them all slayers before they left for the Hellmouth; it probably wouldn't be necessary, but seemed like a useful precaution.

The laid out the dynamite around the school. Giles was itching to blow it up again, but Buffy requested that honour herself, since of the two of them only she had actually worked at this Sunnydale High School. (Wood tried to petition that he should be the one to explode things, as the actual principal of the school, but they ignored him.) They blew up the school; and then when the school was blown up, they had the small army of slayers and their super-powerful witch and their earnestly helpful powerless humans dig and move all the rubble to the side, before they laid down another set of charges and blew that again.

Finally they got to the seal, and all the Earth near the seal ran straight into it. They got out the plastic tarp, ran it all around the outside.

They sat and waited. The busy work had been done. Just a bit longer.

"Are you sure this is your style, B? Trusting in a higher power?" Faith had asked earlier that day, as Buffy presented her plan.

"I know it might sound like it, but it's really not about God here -- this is strictly by what we know works, and a little hope.  Even if it doesn't work, the sun is still going to be shining so they won't get out."

"No, not God. I meant the Weather Network."

"Oh," said Buffy. "Well, you know, 80% probability of precipitation is really, really good...."

Finally, an hour after they had put down the plastic tarp, it was time. A crack of lightning, booming thunder and then a sudden downpour of water. "Open the seal!" Buffy yelled, and the slayers all bled together just enough for it to open.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked the First, standing suddenly beside Buffy. "You think you can defeat my army of thousands with one or two dozen girls?"

As the First talked, the water continued to swirl around and pour from all directions into the opening of the seal, and then down into the pit where the Ubervamps were.

"Actually, no, I was planning on staying up here," Buffy said. "I'd be more worried about them."

A hissing sound came below, and the First looked, for the first time, panicked. Screams started coming out in greater and greater numbers as the water gathered and poured down.

"What did you do? They're dying! How did you -- ?" the First asked.

"A simple phrase, admittedly enhanced with a little of the mystical mojo you gave your lackey.  'I hereby bless all the waters in the sky today,'" Buffy said, smiling. "Did you know that any priest can make holy water?"


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Thanks! :D

Edited at 2013-04-19 02:45 am (UTC)

I truly repent about that time last week I tried to cut your head off when you came as Catherine of Aragon

ahahaha, IT WOULD.

He was a little jealous -- the First never sang to him.

Psychopaths are such needy brats!

They all want to blow up the school, LOL.

"A simple phrase, admittedly enhanced with a little of the mystical mojo you gave your lackey. 'I hereby bless all the waters in the sky today,'" Buffy said, smiling. "Did you know that any priest can make holy water?"

Entertaining and strategically brilliant!

Psychopaths are such needy brats!

Yep! Soo not fair!


Oh that's pure genius!

Whee sounds like spinning. I'm dizzy! In a good way.

I love it, especially Caleb always punching the First Evil in the face because he mistakes it for Buffy!

Thanks! I love the idea of Caleb getting confused every time the First shows up.

it ain't bad theology if it works!

A+ fic idea tbh. Much as I love the finale, it needs some good shading.

He was a little jealous -- the First never sang to him.

IKR? I love season seven, but it is also kind of ridiculous and (Andrew aside) the characters are too serious in s7 to spend the appropriate amount of time pointing this out. Maybe this fic is a cross between shading and lampshading. :)

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